View from the Allotment

It was suggested to me by John (plot 6) that one of us should do something about the council. When I say 'one of us' I don't mean just me or John but 'one of us' as in any of the allotment holders on Stanley Street allotments. There are six of us at present: New Mark on plot 2, Patrick on plot 3, Tony on plot 4, myself on plot 5, John on plot 6 and Other Tony on plot 7. Plots 1 and 8 are currently unoccupied.
John and Other Tony, who drink together at the Lord Clyde, have been getting their heads together about all this council business. After they had been thinking about it for a while they had a word with Patrick (Plot 3) who has travelled around a bit.
Patrick travelled to Berlin recently. When he came back he told us that they have a Lewisham in Berlin and what did we think of that. He also told us that they have allotments in the Lewisham in Berlin upon which they can erect sheds and what did we think of that. Seemingly, according to Patrick, the allotments holders of Lewisham in Berlin are a force to be reckoned with. They do not take things lying down. If they want the Lewisham in Berlin council to do something then they just go and tell them. They go right up to the Lewisham in Berlin Town Hall, two or three o f them, and they see the man from the council and they tell him right out. "Clear the drains," they would say, or, "sweep all the rubbish up, Man From the Council." And apparently he does. He gets onto it right away. I've never heard of a council man do ing that before.
Mind you, I have my doubts about Patrick (plot 3). When he came back from Australia he tried to claim that they had a Lewisham in Sydney, complete with allotments and council men who are prepared to jump through hoops to get things d one. I doubt that totally. My nephew David went to Sydney and he says that it is full of fish restaurants and Gay night clubs. That doesn't sound like the kind of place to have allotments to me. Also surfing beaches for some reason.
Anyway, John (plot 6) suggested that we ought to form ourselves into a union. We should go to the council and tell the man to get it sorted out. We could go to the town hall in Lewisham in London and say to the Council Man, "Get your arse in gear yo u lazy swine, you parasite, you insignificant worm, et cetera." and he would do it. We would become militant.
At this point Other Tony (plot 7) mentioned that the best way to get the Council Man from Lewisham in London to get moving about anything was to get it printed in the newspaper. They would soon get hopping then. No need even to go to the town hall. The town hall would soon be coming to us. The Council Man would have to make an appointment to see the Stanley Street Allotment Union. He would have to wait by the pile of horse manure until we were ready to let him into the shed.
This is a vision to savour. We decided, John (plot 6), Patrick (plot 3), Other Tony (plot 7) and myself that we would negotiate with Tony (plot 4) and New Mark (plot 2) in order to have our grievances published in the Deptford Mercury. Well, you can imagine our surprise when the Deptford Mercur y Woman told us all to 'Sod Off'. I don't think that newspaper people should be allowed to say things like that to paying customers.
I have to say that we had to let things ride for a while after that because the drought was beginning to affect everyones crops. My tomatoes have all got woody bottom rot. It is only now that we have had a chance to approach the issue again. It was New Mark (plot 2) who suggested that we should become involved with the Information Superhighway. He is a bit modern if you understand me. He likes all of those computer things and he has plugged his word processing thing into the wind generator on plot 8.
This is our first letter on the Information Superhighway and I hope it will not be our last. If the Stanley Street Allotment Union is to become a force then we need to get our message across to the widest possible audience. If you wish to support ou r position please leave a message with the Deptford Page people.

Your sincere correspondent
Andy Lamb